Thinking about it, the girls would need a rather large wall to write such a statement. Unless, that is, they wrote it all in 8pt font. Hmm.
Anyway, the reason we ask is because the Mirror's all-star 3am team hits us with the headline "Girls Aloud to go solo", after stumbling across the story that Sarah Harding has recorded some solo material.
"The 26-year-old singer has recorded a funky track with nu-rave group the Filthy Dukes on the soundtrack of forthcoming Hollywood movie Wild Child," writes 3am, which at least gives us something to look forward to. However, this and the fact that one of the band added her vocals to a track by Will.I.Am and another brought out her own range of make-up, is the basis of the 3am's outrageous split claim. Oh, there's also a quote from a "mole" (that's a new one), who says: "Sara's always maintained that she loves Girls Aloud and has no desire for the band to split - but that doesn't mean she's not willing to branch out." So when 3am writes: "First it was Nadine Coyle. Then Cheryl Cole. And most recently Nicola Roberts," what they ought to follow it up with is the line "who have yet to leave the group for a solo career".
Now that Coldplay are back with a new album and in the limelight once again (by which we mean the tabloids), all kinds of skeletons are emerging from their closet. For example, the Mirror's 3am team reports that Chris Martin has a singing teacher. "Yes, I have a singing teacher," says Martin, "why wouldn't I want someone to bring out the best in me?" 3am responds: "Calm down mate."
Meanwhile, Bizarre's Smart Gordon discloses top-secret information on the band's new video shoot. "Coldplay are secretly shooting a groundbreaking new video on a Dutch beach with top film producer Anton Corbijn." To which the band responded: "Yes, we've hired Anton Corbijn to direct our new video. Why wouldn't we want the man behind Bafta-winning Joy Division movie Control to bring a touch of class to our new promo? Hmm, WHY?" Ok, they didn't, instead Martin said: "We're trying to experiment with him. It could be a disaster, but it could be ok." Which is much less hysterical and far more reasonable a response. And extremely boring. Although not as dull as Corbijn's brief, which was apparently "to make the best music video ever". Must have taken a series of heated boardroom discussions and focus group sessions to come up with that one.
But now for some rather shocking news: Kim Dawson of Kim Dawson's Playlist hasn't, repeat, hasn't, been catching up with In the news favourites the Fratellis. Oh no. Her colleague James Cabooter of Kim Dawson's Playlist has been hanging with the Scottish rock group instead. The band have been waxing lyrical about their biggest fan, the Who's Roger Daltry: "He did an interview where he said: 'If the Who had come from Scotland they'd have been called the Fratellis'. He knows by saying something like that it's gonna get used everywhere and be a massive boost to us. It's opened many doors." Sure, it's a bit boastful, but wouldn't you show off if Roger Daltry gave you props? Still, an endorsement by the Who can't stop us shuddering when Kim Dawson of Kim Dawson's Playlist writes: "I'm predicting the Fratellis, like the Who, will be around for decades."
Decades, decades, decades... Shudder.
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